Monday, October 13, 2008

Heavy Heart

Do you ever get to that point where your heart is so heavy, that you don't even know how to feel anymore? Maybe that's just an issue I have, since I'm rather heartless most of the time. :) Whatever though, that's where I'm at. All I know, is that these things called "tears" just keep coming out at random times with no rhyme or reason or advance notice given. What is that??? So, I suppose a "heavy heart" would be the only way I can think of to explain it.

First, there is the obvious - we HAVE to pass court this week in order for us to go get Malachi Nov. 1st as planned. I can't even tell you how afraid I am of this not happening. I realized this weekend that I have a bit of a trust issue here. In my head, I know that God is big and can make this happen. But for some reason, in my heart, I sorta think I haven't learned my lesson yet, so He's going to make me continue to wait. So then, not only do I realize I have a trust issue, but I think maybe God is out to get me ... which means I'm now doubting His goodness as well. Hmmmmm. I should deal with that. Anyway, perhaps that was too much information. My filter gets big wholes in it in the midst of heartache. Back on track .... the waiting in and of itself, the weight of this fear, and the heartache I already feel for if we don't make it through court is so much it hurts.

Second, I received a call yesterday from a dear friend. Her husband, Matt, was in a motorcycle accident yesterday. He had to be air lifted to the nearest hospital (which happens to be 5 hours from their home). They know for certain that he has a spinal chord injury, and are 99 percent sure that he will never walk again. His blood pressure hasn't stabilized enough for necessary surgery to prevent further damage. Oh, they have 3 small children. Again, my heart is just heavy. I don't even know how to pray for them. I can't imagine what she, as a wife and a mom, has to now begin to deal with for the rest of her life. I can't fathom the amount of fear that they hold that has got to be a million times greater than my son having to potentially wait 1 extra month to come home. There is nothing that me, or anyone can do, to make this just go away for them. My heart hurts more.

Third, I just read on my adoption yahoo group, that another family, the Forrest's, lost their precious child to pneumonia over the weekend. Their precious one was in Malachi's home as well. This is the second death in 2 months in his home. I can't imagine the pain they are now sensing of not ever getting their child - not because of a court date, but because of the sting of death. My heart hurts more.

While in my selfish humanism, I desire to curl up in a little ball, keep my eyes focused on my own pain and wallow in it - God pulls me out daily and reminds me that there is a world out there bigger than me and my heartache and my courtdate. He asks me to care for this world, others hurts, and others circumstances. He calls me to pray for it all. I'm thankful that I've not hardened under my hurt. I think that not knowing how to handle the hurts of this great big world, is a much better place to be than not knowing how to handle my own little hurts in my own little world. I find that in the midst of the heaviness of it all, especially the last few days, I don't even know how to pray. I don't know what to ask for. So I rest in remembering that He has given the Holy Spirit to stand in my place with groanings beyond my words. (Romans 8:26)

God has me in a really good, yet even harder place to be .... total and complete surrender. There is nothing I can do to change any of the above mentioned circumstances. There is no possible way in anything I could think, do, or say that will change any of it. There is only the ability to pray, and surrender, and trust. So, the lack of trust issue had to quickly be dealt with, as trust and faith is all I've got right now. I don't feel like the weight of these hurts are too much to bear - I feel broken alltogether by them. And in my brokeness, He is gently reminding me that He is keeping track of all the pieces, and will one day put me back together again, maybe not in the order I think everything belongs ... but sovereignly. He will one day put Matt back together again, maybe not physically ... but sovereignly. He will put the Forrest family back together one day, maybe not completely because their baby is now with Him ... but sovereignly.

Well, there it is .... there is me in my brokenness. Let me tell you what I know.
1) I know God loves me and Malachi
2) I know God loves the Jones and the Forrest Family
3) I know God has a purpose for everything that He does.
4) I know God works all things together for those who love Him.
5) I know He is there in pain, sickness, life and death.
6) I know that there is no where I can go that He is not already there.
7) I know that He will provide a way out from under this heaviness.
8) I know that I can come to Him, as I am weary and heavy burdened.
9) I know that He will provide rest for my soul.
10) I know that He is God, and I most certainly AM NOT.

Pray that what I know will saturate my thoughts and my heart so that I can stand up under it all for the sake of my family, friends and the glory of my God. (And so the tension headaches will go away already. 3 days straight is just silly.) Pray that I no longer allow my hurts to keep me from doing what I need to get done, not just for our up coming trip - but for today even. Pray that I regain my filter. haha

Read the stories of the Jones & Forrest Family, and keep them in your prayers as well.


brandts brandts everywhere said...

hey. life is so crazy sometimes. it is always a little crazy but sometimes it just feels so out of wack. ya know? I am thinking of everyone you have just mentioned and my thoughts are prayers. sometimes random as I am doing dishes or watching the kids play sometimes more concentrated but just know I am praying and will continue to do so. I was sharing the news of matt with josh tonight and elias overheard me. he cam in about a half hour after I had finished talking to josh about it and said "mom, you know what we need to do for the guy who broke his collar bone? we need to write him a card saying you will be helped. you will heal." sooooo, I told him we could do that tomorrow. I am wondering if we can send it to you and then you could forward it on or what . . . . . I don't want to sit down and "pretend" like we are making a card for someone knowing they will never see it. did that make sense? anyway. let me know when you have time. WE LOVE YOU. I am praying for the Lords protection over your child as he waits for you and you wait for him.

Dawn said...

Praying for you and your friends and little Malachi! Total and complete surrender... your on my heart.

Zack and Rebecca Caldwell said...

Keep clinging to those awesome truths that you know are of God! I know how you feel, though.

Lori said...

Just remember that you are not alone. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me last night. It is really nice to know that I am not alone in these feelings. We will make it through this, I am so glad that we have God on our side. I can't wait to celebrate with you.