I've struggled a lot lately as God is trying so hard to crack through my thick skull and teach me a much bigger picture of what we are doing than I had originally thought. This is a perspective that has naturally come to Aaron since the beginning. It has been easily clouded to me, however, due to my desire to grow our family.
Before we decided to respond to God's calling of adoption, I told Aaron I wanted another child. And what I meant was, I wanted to be pregnant again. (I know I've already shared this part of our story, so it is no secret that growing our family through pregnancy was a hair brained idea... what does hair brained mean??? Thus God revealed quickly that He had a different plan.) Anyway, my point is - that desire has made me minimize this from day one.
Let me share a conversation had between Aaron and I. I told Aaron that upon referral, I want to post with a title of "We had our Ultrasound Today!" Because similar to an ultrasound, you see a picture of a child yet still have no idea who they are. Makes sense to me... and be looking for that post! But it started a great conversation in talking about when it will be real to us that we are about to have another child. And in typical male fashion (no offense guys), Aaron told me it wouldn't be real until we get to Ethiopia and have Malachi in our arms. For me, because I have this mom instinct of being capable of loving a child I don't know yet, it is already real for me. My heart has made room and a decision to love Malachi already. And not that Aaron hasn't made that same decision.... it's just different how and when we can process it. Anyway, Aaron went on to try and prove this point that he's known all along about this being a "calling". Even when in Ethiopia holding our son, we will not be satisfied. We won't be satisfied because we have to leave behind 4 million more orphans. Yes, changing the life of one child is HUGE and very much worth it. And of course when Malachi is in our arms, there will be a huge relief and level of satisfaction. God is trying to show me though how much bigger it is than that - than growing our family. He has us responding to a call to care for the least of these. As I said, we will be thrilled to receive Malachi into our family (even our kids already love him). But what about Malachi's little playmates at the orphanage? What about the abandoned child in the brush? What about the child about to be born who is already destined to the orphanage? It's so much more... so much bigger than growing our family. The inward focus that my heart has taken in this process has lost sight of that. It isn't about me and my desire to hold Malachi... it is about Gods heart for these children.
God has shown me these last few weeks how "me focused" I've become. There is the endless paperwork, the endless worry about how to make it all happen (from the $ to where Malachi will sleep), to the endless waiting. All of these things narrow in on me. How I've dealt with it and responded to it has made me lose sight of the severity of what He's called us into. For some reason, one tries to glamorize a life of ministry (one being me in this case), and internally dwell on how it can make life better. I've taken adoption as purely a way to grow our family, and have missed how huge it is when He gives us a missional task. This doesn't have to be just adoption. It can be similar with any mission He gives us - marriage, kids, work, 519 (Aaron's band that I'm part of), worship team, opening my home and life to my neighbors...whatever. He's just been reminding me that I have to remain focused on spreading the gospel through my lifestyle, not trying to make to gospel better my lifestyle. This isn't about me... even the waiting - not about me.
That being said, go back a couple of posts to the John Piper video.
And yes, these posts will only get heavier and heavier until the ultrasound. kidding... I hope.