It has been weighing heavy on me lately to investigate getting another child to come home with Malachi. Our home study already states that we are open to siblings. But I wanted to take it one step further in solidifying a request for 2 children. This doesn't mean we will get 2 children, it would just mean that we are approved for that if the situation presents itself. I'm not sure what all of this means, if anything, but I will be sure to keep you posted.
I broke down in tears with the AWAA representative while speaking with her about this today. I told her that we wanted to take all 4 million of them if we were approved to do so. We aren't. As I said, I will let you know any details once we understand them. But in the meantime, I'm really struggling. I don't know where this overwhelming, heartbreaking, gut wrenching emotion came from. I'm not usually an emotional person. But this one has got me on a roll. (Aaron was glad that the tears came flowing to someone other than him - he doesn't usually know what to do with me when I cry. :) ) Since the revelation of this being bigger than me, and a true life calling .... not just growing our family ... my heart has jumped to the opposite extreme. (This Aaron is used to about me.) I don't know how to be okay with not taking in as many children as we can get our hands on. I've thought all along it would be better for Malachi to have someone that looks like him, and came from his culture ... but I didn't know it was going to turn into this burning desire to RUN after God's heart for these children. RUN, and RUN FAST and RUN HARD and RUN LONG. To what extremes? I don't know. I ask that God would show both Aaron and I what He's got in store for us, and how exactly He wants us to respond to His calling. My head spins with the possibilities. And my heart aches with the possible road blocks of those many options. Road blocks that I don't think I'm capable of overcoming. I'm a bit afraid right now -- what is He up to???
I say I don't know where this is coming from, but that's not entirely true. About 3 or 4 years ago I began praying regularly for God to break my heart for the things His heart breaks for. I realized that my life severely lacked passion for the things God is passionate about. Perhaps this all has something to do with that prayer.
I find comfort in this : Psalm 68:5 - 6 Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation. God settles the solitary in a home....