Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Change in plans???

It has been weighing heavy on me lately to investigate getting another child to come home with Malachi. Our home study already states that we are open to siblings. But I wanted to take it one step further in solidifying a request for 2 children. This doesn't mean we will get 2 children, it would just mean that we are approved for that if the situation presents itself. I'm not sure what all of this means, if anything, but I will be sure to keep you posted.

I broke down in tears with the AWAA representative while speaking with her about this today. I told her that we wanted to take all 4 million of them if we were approved to do so. We aren't. As I said, I will let you know any details once we understand them. But in the meantime, I'm really struggling. I don't know where this overwhelming, heartbreaking, gut wrenching emotion came from. I'm not usually an emotional person. But this one has got me on a roll. (Aaron was glad that the tears came flowing to someone other than him - he doesn't usually know what to do with me when I cry. :) ) Since the revelation of this being bigger than me, and a true life calling .... not just growing our family ... my heart has jumped to the opposite extreme. (This Aaron is used to about me.) I don't know how to be okay with not taking in as many children as we can get our hands on. I've thought all along it would be better for Malachi to have someone that looks like him, and came from his culture ... but I didn't know it was going to turn into this burning desire to RUN after God's heart for these children. RUN, and RUN FAST and RUN HARD and RUN LONG. To what extremes? I don't know. I ask that God would show both Aaron and I what He's got in store for us, and how exactly He wants us to respond to His calling. My head spins with the possibilities. And my heart aches with the possible road blocks of those many options. Road blocks that I don't think I'm capable of overcoming. I'm a bit afraid right now -- what is He up to???

I say I don't know where this is coming from, but that's not entirely true. About 3 or 4 years ago I began praying regularly for God to break my heart for the things His heart breaks for. I realized that my life severely lacked passion for the things God is passionate about. Perhaps this all has something to do with that prayer.

I find comfort in this : Psalm 68:5 - 6 Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation. God settles the solitary in a home....

7 comments:

Sherry said...

Wow! Very challenging! God was definitely pricking my heart as I read through your post. I'll definitely be processing through this one!

Sherry :)

The Gillman Family said...

Jody,

We too struggled with this idea of two. God really tugged at our hearts and we made the jump as well. Isn't it amazing how He works in us through the adoption! Keep seeking Him!

Kim (YG)

Lori said...

We are discussing the same things at our house. We only requested one, but as we get farther into the waiting we want to help them all. We are talking about the next one and that possibility.
Lori Laughner
laughners.blogspot.com

Zack & Rebecca Caldwell said...

Wow- I felt chills reading your post. We, too, have discussed this. Especially now, that I am reading, "There Is No Me Without You" I just really want to do that thing that is "bigger than me" as you put it. I don't know what that looks like either, but I hope to know soon. We will be praying for you. Blessing to you, and your precious heart!

small world said...

This is God's heart. Our family is waiting for a referral for two children. Don't be afraid, God will give you everything you need. Be encouraged because you found the heart of God and your family will be the image to the world of His love for us!!

Mark Redfern said...

Great post, Jody! I definitely feel where you are coming from...

--Katie Redfern

petiteblogger said...

Hi Jody! I feel for you guys in this big decision but feel confident that God has your family all planned out already. He is protecting and nourishing all your children right now, wherever they are, and He is going to show you clearly what you should do. I am praying for you guys and am so excited for you! And, for all of your adopting friends out there- you guys are awesome! :)