A Mother's Heart

Someone asked me at church this morning if I already loved Malachi like he was mine. It didn't even take him finishing his question for me to blurt out "YES" !!! He replied with a "wow, cool .... really?" Haha. I went on to try to explain it.

There is some poem out there that talks about an adopted child stating something along the lines of ... while my other children grew UNDER my heart, you grew IN my heart. (Funny how the part of the poem that says "you grew under my heart" doesn't say anything about heartburn!) I've never posted that poem, because it's a little too high on the cheese scale for my liking (no offense to those of you who've posted that poem). Before we entered the adoption process, I had wondered if I would or could love an adopted child as much as my biological children. And to be honest, I had that same fear with every biological child I had .... how could I love her as much as Provi. Then it was how can I love him as much as Eden. Guess what?? I love Eden as much as Provi, and Sam as much as Eden. God began this adoption process by opening a corner of my heart to love yet another child.... as much as Provi, Eden and Sam. As we continued to walk in the process, I began to fall more and more in love with this child of my heart. To the point where now, as I wait for him, I feel like part of me is missing because he isn't here. Part of our family is missing because he isn't here. I don't have to hold him, or know him to know I love him. It's my mother's heart. Malachi's mom at that!

My Malachi Fix

I got a Malachi fix today!!! A family that traveled a couple weeks ago were able to get me some pictures today! We made a little "care package" for him also that they so graciously packed into their already tight suitcase for us. It was hard to decide what to send my baby that lives across the ocean ... but we came up with a few things. We sent an outfit that is just for him. (They share all their clothes, toys, and blankets. So I thought I'd send him something that was just HIS.) It had guitars and drums all over it, since he is his fathers son. (However, from the pictures we got, I'm thinking I should have gone with the "love of basketball" theme as opposed to the "love of music" theme that ARE his daddy. Read on ... ) We sent a little stuffed giraffe rattle, a hat, some booties, and a blanket given by his little friend here in the US - Noah. My personal favorite though, was a teething picture book. It's a book that he can munch away on while viewing pictures we placed in it. I loaded it up with pictures of us - his new family. The pictures I received of him with this book are priceless to me. I'm DYING to post all our pictures of him. But alas, I cannot ... still.

One other thing that Aaron and I couldn't get enough of were his HUGE hands. Seriously folks ... huge. (Thus, my above reference to going with the "love of basketball". Aaron is already calling talent scouts on his behalf.) So, even though I can't post pictures of Malachi, I think I came up with something that I could post. Here is all I can "show" you of our little guy. :)

Bitter Sweet

A very tragic thing happened yesterday to another family adopting through our agency. Their precious baby girl went to be with Jesus. She was sick with pneumonia. All day yesterday my heart hurt for them. It also took me right back to my feelings thatI've been trying to ignore of not being able to be there to care for my child. I can't imagine the depths of this emotion that the Joners are now feeling. (I put their name so you can pray for them by name please.)

In my concerns, I needed to know if Malachi was okay. This is the second baby in 2 months to have pneumonia in Malachi's home. I know I haven't shared much about Malachi on here, because legally I can't. But what I can tell you, is that it would be not good for him to get such a sickness. (I know, it isn't good for anyone .... enough about that.) So I sent an email to the director of the home he is in asking if he was healthy. We woke up to a reply email from her this morning that he indeed is VERY healthy, and very very happy.

While the news of my healthy son brings me a sweet feeling, I'm left with that darn bitter taste of the loss the Joners are feeling .... and trying again to squash the feelings I have that hurt so bad of not being with him.

Anyway, pray for the Joners, pray for Malachi's continued good health (I can't even stress how big of a relief this was to us to hear he is healthy), pray for the other children in the home to continue to grow healthy. Pray for October to come yesterday. :)

Heartbreaking

That's the only word we can come up with for this part of our journey. We have been told to expect to travel in November. And while we understand that our hopeful date of mid Oct. is not that far off from Nov. .... it's still heartbreaking. You are on the other side of the world, and there is not a darn thing we can do about it.

We've received pictures and written updates regarding your health and habits. For this we are grateful ... and we are especially grateful that your health is improving, slowly but surely. And although we know that my brisket would really do the trick .... you are getting the best care you can right now. :)

We are making room for you here at home!!! We purchased a loft bed for you and Sam's room this week. Sam is so excited to get the top bunk! And he also is not really understanding that just because he's getting his new bed to share with you ... that you, in fact, are NOT coming WITH the bed. Darn..... We are about to start homeschooling your sisters too. Sam asks what he gets to do for school. I've told him he gets to be your teacher. He's pretty pumped about this. He says he will teach you how to build the train tracks, and race the cars. Hopefully he will NOT teach you how to dress up in his sisters princess gowns (which is something your sisters think is pretty funny to do to him). I've also started to pull out all the clothes that your big brother once wore (and some others we've been given) to have your drawers all ready for you. (If only I knew what size you were in....) Eden is learning to ride her bike longer distances so that you can ride in the trailer with Sam! And Providence is helping me figure this all out!! She is such a big helper, and I just know you are going to love the attention and care you receive from her.

I don't understand the phenomenon of missing someone you've never met .... but oh do I miss you!!! Every passing day brings us one day closer to bringing you home. Our hearts ache for that day. Until then ... rest in the arms of Jesus my son!

For my son (and all our children really)

Just to Clarify .. we are still waiting

Many people are asking us about when we travel, and thinking that because we got our referral last week that means we get to go now. Sadly, it doesn't.

In Ethiopia, the courts close from August 7th to October 7th. (Just imagine if that took place in the US. haha) From referral to court date, it usually is a 3-4 week process to get a court date (which finalizes Malachi as our son in ET law .... and no, that is not something we are present for. There is a Power of Attorney that stands in our place). So, we got our referral with a small window of just 3 weeks. However, because of the closures - the courts are overflowing at the moment. Thus, no court date for us. The good news is, we will be some of the first in line in October. Pray that we can get a court date ASAP once courts re-open. Some of our paperwork expires Nov. 21, and I would really like to not deal with that mess. (The paperwork has to all be current WHILE we are in Ethiopia.)

So where does that leave us??? Waiting. Our now 10 month old son will be around 14 months old when we get him. We pray for his health. We pray for his safety. We pray for our hearts, and our kids who have even less of a concept of time than we do.

When we started out on this journey, I had my ideals and my perfect vision of how this was all going to be. And even when we submitted all of our final paperwork (dossier) to Ethiopia, NEVER did we anticipate waiting for Malachi for this amount of time. And we certainly never anticipated holding on to a photo of him for 4-5 months before actually bringing him home. But God has gently reminded me that this is not about me. When we first saw the picture of Malachi, Aaron asked me - "Are you okay with a child that old, I know you wanted a baby". And from the bottom of my heart, I could honestly say "YES, I'm okay with it! This is our son! This is our baby." It breaks my heart the 14 months I will not have gotten to spend with him. However, my time with or without him is NOT what the heart of adoption is about. And God has given us a heart of adoption. Meaning we desire, for the sake of the gospel, and God's heart for the least of these to be a secure home for whoever God brings to us, whenever. We will be that home....soon. And until then, God has reminded me that He is Malachi's Father. He is Malachi's security. He has known since the beginning of time, and while forming Malachi in his mother's womb, and the 10 months until now that this was going to be our story....and Malachi's story. The little amount of time I have to wait is NOTHING compared to the amount of time God has to wait to bring us all home. NOTHING compared to the wait that Christ endured on the cross. NOTHING compared to the amount of love I already hold in my heart for precious Malachi ... 10 month old Malachi. Again, God brought me to Psalm 68:5&6 "Father of the fatherless and protector of the widow is God in his holy habitation. God settles the solitary in a home."

So yes, my heart bleads, my heart breaks, tears flow as I miss him and feel the incompleteness of our family every day. But in this, God holds me up with His right hand. He is up to something ... can't wait to find out what!

(This is a lesson God is teaching me in every area of my life right now. If you are curious more to my recent thoughts about my story vs. God's plan ... check it out at my other blog ... which is where posts will continue to stream from as we wait for Malachi.)

ULTRASOUND PHOTOS (yes, this post is what you are thinking)

We had our ultrasound today!!! (That's for you Bmer.) :)

Today at 3 p.m., we received a call from Terra Bailey (who works on behalf of the Ethiopia program with America World). And can I just tell you, I had so grown used to this waiting thing, that my heart doesn't jump with every phone call anymore. No, I didn't recognize the phone number. And when she stated, "this is Terra with America World".... I almost replied with, "who?". I know, I'm pathetic. But then she tells me they have our referral. Jaw to floor. We do???? Really, we do????

She proceeds to tell me all about our 10 month old son. I wish I could tell you more - but I can't. In our email with photos and medical reports, it strictly tells us that we cannot release any information about our son until further notice. Grrrrrrrr..... Killing me!!!

So, we await said further instruction. Until then, will you please pray for Malachi. Pray for his health, pray for his safety, pray for his heart to rest in the Hands of the Almighty. Pray for us as we wait for him to come home. (Provi was so excited when she saw the photos that she began to jump up and down.)

Oh, and for some reason, Sam thinks his name should no longer be Malachi, or his given African name, but rather - Ronny. Why??? We have no clue. But hey, big brother is entitled to his opinion. :) Speaking of big brother, our beautiful new son looks strangely like his older brother...just with darker skin. Malachi has the Britton Eyes! He is beautiful and handsome all at the same time!