I just checked our agency blog, and saw something that is so very discouraging to me. (And while I have a harshly worded email sitting in my draft box ready to send via email, I figured this may be a healthier outlet.) There were 2 families who received a referral last week (no this is not the discouraging part). Praise God for that!! The part that was hard to swallow, was that it stated that wait time for BOYS and GIRLS was 7-9 months. We knew that was the wait time for girls, but boys?? They have been saying 5-7 months (which is us right now) is the expected wait time. However, throughout our entire paperwork phase, and even upon submitting it all in December, we were told to expect a 2-4 month wait upon submission of our Dossier. A few weeks after submitting that Dossier, we were told it was no longer 2 - 4 months, but rather 5-7 months (which remember is currently where we are at). Okay, fine. But now, through a blog, I read 7-9 months. That puts us receiving a referral sometime between July and September (not June 30th...see Prayer and Fasting post). I'm so heartbroken, 1) that I read information like that in a blog, rather than hearing it from our agency; and 2) the information itself. I've been trying so desperately to cling to this hope that we would get our referral in time to beat the court closures. Doesn't appear that it will happen that way.
I don't get this...the Bible speaks to hope saying, "hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Prov. 13:12). Okay, so I'll try to be realistic with what I hope for.... I have been (I think). I've realistically set my hope on what they told us would happen. Now it isn't happening. I understand that I wouldn't have much of a right to be so discouraged were I to be "hoping" for things that were unrealistic, which is definitely what I was nearing falling into the first couple months after submitting our Dossier. I kept hoping that every phone call might be a miraculous referral call even though we were MONTHS from the wait time. But for the most part, I haven't done that. Then the Bible speaks to prayer.... verses like Math. 21:22 - "And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, IF YOU HAVE FAITH". (One of MANY verses that speak to receiving what we ask for.) I DO have faith, I really, really do. I still want to hold on to that hope and faith, but I guess wisdom tells me it would be foolish to hold on to that supposed hope with the current reality from our agency. This is one of the many phenomenons of faith that is particularly hard for me to grasp. Pray and hope. I understand that there is ALWAYS that overarching prayer of "Thy will be done". And trust me, I'm praying that. It is in fact the only thing keeping me from losing it currently. I know that the Lord's will trumps all ideas or plans I have. I completely understand the verses about man having a plan, but the Lord directing his steps (Proverbs 16:9). Combine all these ideas together, however, and that is where you lose me. I've hoped, I've prayed in faith, and God has different steps in mind. Huh.....like I said, a phenomenon.
I understand that adoption is always to some degree, unfamiliar territory in which anything can happen. I do still understand that when I'm holding Malachi - none of this will matter. And I do still understand that I have the ability to choose joy (only for 7-9 months now instead of 5-7...giddy up). It's just that the sting doesn't go away with any of these truths. And I guess it isn't supposed to necessarily. Like Jacob after wresting with God (Genesis 32:22-32), perhaps I will come away from this experience with a limp...and thus every step I take in the future will remind me of my need for dependence upon divine grace (Lord willing I remember the battle with every step). For this I can be thankful. But in the mean time.... this stinks. This has happened to me a few MAJOR times over the last several years - I pray for something - I have hope - God has a different plan - God wins. I'm tired. Perhaps I'm not listening right, perhaps my prayers are clouded by my internally focused mind and heart. Perhaps the Spirits groanings are louder than mine (Romans 26:26-28 ... you'll want to read this one for sure if you haven't been reading the past scriptures I've referenced). And perhaps I should be thankful that my God loves me enough to let me wrestle with Him... to let me search deeper into His will and His heart.....and that He still loves me through it all.
Aaron is still in Florida at his cousins funeral (of which I have not blogged about due to the fact that if I think about it too long, I start to entertain the thoughts of "what if"...). So, I'm left here with my thoughts and my computer..... oh, and most importantly, the Bible sitting next to me. I know that every verse I referenced in this post were prompted from the Spirit Himself. He and I have been wrestling for a long time on some of these questions --- He keeps taking me to the same verses. I'll get it eventually. Probably once He knocks all my teeth out.