Sorry to have been so silent on this blog. I don't have much to share. We've been hopefully and anxiously waiting news of a court date. We've been praying (as have many of you) to be in Uganda now. But we aren't. We're in Colorado. Courts close tomorrow. We won't be in Uganda tomorrow either.
I have to admit, my heart is aching. I'm confused, I'm torn, I'm angry, I'm sad. I want more than anything to see our Ugandan Sweetie in person. To hug her. To tell her how much I love her. To stand before a Judge and petition for her.
I longed to see God move mountains. I longed to see Him pave the way for us to be there with her now - miraculously. I've watched many adoptive families over the last two months have HUGE and IMPOSSIBLE prayers answered. I desperately wanted that to be our story. But it's not. Not today anyway.
That's actually only partly true. The part about huge and impossible prayers not being answered, it's not entirely true. See, because while God didn't move the mountains for us to be in Uganda before courts closed, He's moving the mountains in my heart. And let me tell you - some days, I'm pretty sure those mountains are more expansive than the Rockies. He's asking me to trust Him. He's asking me to have faith in His timing and His plan. He's asking me to believe that He loves our Ugandan Sweetie more than I do or ever will. He's asking me to worship Him regardless of what my eyes see or my heart feels. He's reminding me that it's really easy to trust in Him when things go my way - but it takes a faith that comes from Him to trust in Him when they don't. And here's the miracle - He's giving me the grace to do it. This doesn't mean I'm not sad. It doesn't mean I don't break down in tears, pleading with our agency director to do something - ANYTHING. But it does mean that there is a peace in my heart amidst the struggle that I know comes from a really.big.God. I knew as we awaited court that the bigger miracle in our story right now would be for God to work in my heart. And I didn't want to see that miracle. I wanted the other one. I knew He was going to have to make it possible for me to have the faith needed to trust Him. I wasn't sure He would. But He has.
God is using this time to challenge a lot of what I SAY I believe about Him, prayer, His love for me, His love for Orphans .... my love for Him. It's hard, but good.
Aaron passed along a quote to me a few weeks back that I've been pondering. I don't like it when bad stuff happens. None of us do. I don't like that I feel pain, that my kids feel pain, that the child I'm longing to adopt feels pain. And sometimes I just don't know what to do with the reality that we do. This quote cut to the core....
"....... if your basic premise is that God exists to serve mankind and you happen to be going through a period of suffering, is God going to have to solve your problems for him to mean anything to you? The health and wealth gospels that we’ve heard so much about are merely outgrowths of this man-centered religion. However, if you take it the other way around, we’re there for God’s benefit and then He has a purpose even in our suffering. Christianity does not involve our solving everybody’s human problem, but instead involves our showing we can go through human problems in a way that honors God. Until Christians in our country understand that, Christianity is not going to have the impact that it once had, either for revival or for cultural change."
I know this "problem", this "suffering" will end. Not all who are suffering can say that. So maybe this seems silly. But it's where I am today. So today - I ask God to continue to move ... to continue to give me the grace to go through my human problem in a way that honors Him. For His Glory.