Wrestling Through the Wait Times

I just checked our agency blog, and saw something that is so very discouraging to me. (And while I have a harshly worded email sitting in my draft box ready to send via email, I figured this may be a healthier outlet.) There were 2 families who received a referral last week (no this is not the discouraging part). Praise God for that!! The part that was hard to swallow, was that it stated that wait time for BOYS and GIRLS was 7-9 months. We knew that was the wait time for girls, but boys?? They have been saying 5-7 months (which is us right now) is the expected wait time. However, throughout our entire paperwork phase, and even upon submitting it all in December, we were told to expect a 2-4 month wait upon submission of our Dossier. A few weeks after submitting that Dossier, we were told it was no longer 2 - 4 months, but rather 5-7 months (which remember is currently where we are at). Okay, fine. But now, through a blog, I read 7-9 months. That puts us receiving a referral sometime between July and September (not June 30th...see Prayer and Fasting post). I'm so heartbroken, 1) that I read information like that in a blog, rather than hearing it from our agency; and 2) the information itself. I've been trying so desperately to cling to this hope that we would get our referral in time to beat the court closures. Doesn't appear that it will happen that way.

I don't get this...the Bible speaks to hope saying, "hope deferred makes the heart sick" (Prov. 13:12). Okay, so I'll try to be realistic with what I hope for.... I have been (I think). I've realistically set my hope on what they told us would happen. Now it isn't happening. I understand that I wouldn't have much of a right to be so discouraged were I to be "hoping" for things that were unrealistic, which is definitely what I was nearing falling into the first couple months after submitting our Dossier. I kept hoping that every phone call might be a miraculous referral call even though we were MONTHS from the wait time. But for the most part, I haven't done that. Then the Bible speaks to prayer.... verses like Math. 21:22 - "And whatever you ask in prayer, you will receive, IF YOU HAVE FAITH". (One of MANY verses that speak to receiving what we ask for.) I DO have faith, I really, really do. I still want to hold on to that hope and faith, but I guess wisdom tells me it would be foolish to hold on to that supposed hope with the current reality from our agency. This is one of the many phenomenons of faith that is particularly hard for me to grasp. Pray and hope. I understand that there is ALWAYS that overarching prayer of "Thy will be done". And trust me, I'm praying that. It is in fact the only thing keeping me from losing it currently. I know that the Lord's will trumps all ideas or plans I have. I completely understand the verses about man having a plan, but the Lord directing his steps (Proverbs 16:9). Combine all these ideas together, however, and that is where you lose me. I've hoped, I've prayed in faith, and God has different steps in mind. Huh.....like I said, a phenomenon.

I understand that adoption is always to some degree, unfamiliar territory in which anything can happen. I do still understand that when I'm holding Malachi - none of this will matter. And I do still understand that I have the ability to choose joy (only for 7-9 months now instead of 5-7...giddy up). It's just that the sting doesn't go away with any of these truths. And I guess it isn't supposed to necessarily. Like Jacob after wresting with God (Genesis 32:22-32), perhaps I will come away from this experience with a limp...and thus every step I take in the future will remind me of my need for dependence upon divine grace (Lord willing I remember the battle with every step). For this I can be thankful. But in the mean time.... this stinks. This has happened to me a few MAJOR times over the last several years - I pray for something - I have hope - God has a different plan - God wins. I'm tired. Perhaps I'm not listening right, perhaps my prayers are clouded by my internally focused mind and heart. Perhaps the Spirits groanings are louder than mine (Romans 26:26-28 ... you'll want to read this one for sure if you haven't been reading the past scriptures I've referenced). And perhaps I should be thankful that my God loves me enough to let me wrestle with Him... to let me search deeper into His will and His heart.....and that He still loves me through it all.

Aaron is still in Florida at his cousins funeral (of which I have not blogged about due to the fact that if I think about it too long, I start to entertain the thoughts of "what if"...). So, I'm left here with my thoughts and my computer..... oh, and most importantly, the Bible sitting next to me. I know that every verse I referenced in this post were prompted from the Spirit Himself. He and I have been wrestling for a long time on some of these questions --- He keeps taking me to the same verses. I'll get it eventually. Probably once He knocks all my teeth out.

Everything

As I've had a few weeks of this new routine of fasting and praying, God has made some things very clear to me. One of them has to do with a song that we've started singing at church the past few months. Read these lyrics, then off to the side I've noted some things that weigh on my heart as I think about these lyrics.


EVERYTHING By: Tim Hughes
GOD IN MY LIVING
THERE IN MY BREATHING
GOD IN MY WAKING
GOD IN MY SLEEPING

GOD IN MY RESTING
THERE IN MY WORKING
GOD IN MY THINKING
GOD IN MY SPEAKING

CHORUS:
BE MY EVERYTHING
BE MY EVERYTHING
BE MY EVERYTHING
BE MY EVERYTHING

VERSE 2:
GOD IN MY HOPING (Malachi)
THERE IN MY DREAMING (Malachi)
GOD IN MY WATCHING
GOD IN MY WAITING (Malachi)

GOD IN MY LAUGHING
THERE IN MY WEEPING
GOD IN MY HURTING (Other life things at the moment)
GOD IN MY HEALING

BRIDGE:
CHRIST IN ME
CHRIST IN ME
CHRIST IN ME THE HOPE OF GLORY (What does this line mean? I've been pondering...)
YOU ARE EVERYTHING

CHRIST IN ME
CHRIST IN ME
CHRIST IN ME THE HOPE OF GLORY
BE MY EVERYTHING

The song really says it all better than I could, and definitely take a few minutes to listen to it (I've attached the link at the end of this post.) I've clung a lot to this song lately. And as for the line that says "Christ in me the Hope of Glory"... well that's one of those lines that I bet most of us just sing along with in church without taking much time to really consider its meaning. Who cares about the meaning....the sweet guitar rif sends chills down our spine. (kidding, I know nothing about guitar rifs, just ask Danny and Brian). My point is, it's a song that makes you FEEL like you are in the presence of God. So, I figure, if I'm going to be in the presence of God, I better try and understand "why", so I've got something to hold on to when the "feeling" passes. So, Christ in me....the Hope of Glory. Nothing I do apart from Him in me has any lasting glory. Even adopting a child from Ethiopia. Apart from Him...meaningless. Then there is the whole idea of a future glory that we wait for upon being with Christ.... yeah, I stink at describing Glory. It's in so many songs... Aaron...could you blog about that please, you're the worship pastor here. :) I've been reading a book recently that explains it in great depth as well. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it however. The book is call A Quest for More by Paul David Tripp. Highly recommend it. All this to say, this song has brought me great encouragement, and many tears too.

As for the other HUGE revelation....simple, but huge. God has reminded me that I have the ability to CHOOSE JOY !!! He placed that ability in me, He is that ability. In the waiting, in my hoping, dreaming, and hurting ... I can choose joy. The Enemy lies to me every day and every moment that He tries to tell me I should let this ruin my day, week, month. Every time He tells me I can't do this another day. Every time he tells me that someone is to blame for me waiting so long. Lies lies lies. I choose joy! That doesn't mean that I don't mind the wait, or that I'm good with waiting until winter to get Malachi. No, it just means that if that were to happen, I have joy still. Besides, when I'm holding Malachi in my arms, no amount of wait time will have mattered any longer. So why let it get to me now????

Well, I'm going to go choose joy in scrubbing my toilets and mopping my floors. Mom Britton is coming tonight, and I would hate for her to see the pig sty her grandkids are used to living in. (See, it's not just the big things I have to be joyful about, it's EVERYTHING....He's my EVERYTHING.)

Steven Curtis Chapman

Be in prayer today, and many days to come for Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. Yesterday their 5 year old daughter (youngest adopted from China) was killed by an SUV driven by her older brother. The amount of spiritual warfare involved in this scenario is frightening and humbling as well. He and his family have paved the way in spreading the Heart of Adoption. If you remember to my original posts, it was at his concert where I heard the Lord tell us it was time to move toward adoption. I'm just one story. I don't know what else to say. Sad...very sad.... Makes me thankful for what I've got, and reminds me YET AGAIN to count every day as a blessing, every breathe as a gift, and daily surrender every child to Him...they are His.

Here's the link if you haven't read about it yet.
http://tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080521/TUNEIN/80521174&referrer=FRONTPAGECAROUSEL

Do I get a rebate from Walgreens???

This week, the Britton household was hit by the nasty strep throat bug. It began with Mom. Well, this isn't entirely true. We've known for several years that both Providence and Eden are "carriers" of said disease. (This meaning they carry it, but seldom show symptoms of it... or at least the common symptoms. Trust me, you don't want to know.) So how would we know they were infected???? Because I, Jody, would get horribly horribly ill. (For those of you who know me personally - remember last years ear thing? Yeah, that started w/ strep.) Anyway, I spike an enormous fever and become delusional. I'm not really sure of anything that has happened since Monday morning. I'm pretty sure Aaron took off work for 2 days to watch our kids. :) So, today, once I was awake, I took the 3 little ones in to find out which one was the culprit. Guess who??? ALL 3!!! WHAT??? They aren't even sick! Ugh. I didn't stand a chance. Aaron is starting to feel it tonight. He's headed to the Dr. in the AM. In the meantime, after going to Walgreens tonight, I thought the following was pretty hysterical. This doesn't even count the massive amounts of Tylenol, Motrin, Chloroseptic Spray, and Throat Coat. :) Ahhhh... will Malachi be another "carrier" of strep to help his 3 siblings gang up on me? I hope so, because 6 bottles of the pink stuff isn't near enough for one growing family! :)

Update: Aaron tested positive this morning. He's thrilled.

5 Months Today!!!

Well, today makes it officially 5 months since sending off our Dossier. The agency gave us a wait time of 5-7 months after sending dossier to look for a referral. So, now we can become impatient and wonder when it will be.... wait.....

Prayer and Fasting

This post is written as a plea to all our friends and family. Wait times are growing with the Ethiopia program. Ugh...again. There is a big long list of reasons why that surround this -- all of which are disheartening to me. Needless to say - we are staring court closures in the face. August 2nd (I believe), Ethiopia courts will shut down for 2 months. If we do not get our referral of Malachi by the end of June, we will most likely not make our court date (which finalizes him as our son before we go get him) before the courts close. Thus, we will hold on to a photo of our son for months and months rather than 6-8 weeks. We will not travel until fall or even early winter. Tears streaming down my face..... I have felt convicted to begin some serious prayer and fasting over all that surrounds this adoption from this point on. Every Friday I will be fasting and praying for the following (just to name a few)......
1) For Malachi's referral to come BEFORE THE END OF JUNE. (Most important prayer request.)
2) For court dates to be constant and regular and uninterrupted. (Everyone who is adopting from Ethiopia is trying to get their court dates through from this point on. So the courts will be crowded to say the least.)
3) For me to wait patiently on the Lord. For me to wait well.
4) For Providence, Eden, and Sam to wait well.
5) For Malachi's referral to come before the end of June. (again) :)

Fast and pray with me.... at least pray with me....every Friday... until Malachi is our son. I'm asking God for a miracle...I feel it will be a miracle to get our referral before July 1. He's a big God, that can work big miracles. An even bigger miracle I suppose, will be if that referral doesn't make it in time...for the waiting well to take place.

Mathew 18:19-20
...if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.

Laminin